I See What You Meme

It's that time of year again. The holidays are approaching. How could you avoid the onslaught? I can't believe they actually started the Christmas marketing before  Halloween this year.  But I digress. This isn't really about the holiday season.  (Well, maybe it is. A little.)  What it's really about is that time in November 2009 when we learned that we could no longer fight Charlotte's cancer . That time we had to fully understand that word. Terminal.  For the last five years, that period from November to the end of January has been a blur of avoidance, melancholy, and sadness. We haven't put up a Christmas tree since that pink one that graced our living room until almost April 2010. Only last year did I finally start feeling like "my old self" when it came to the holidays, slowly merging into social celebrations with others without feeling a panic attack coming my way.   Although I can't find it in an old blog post, I know that in ...

This week marks the 17th anniversary of my marriage to Roger .  It also marks 20 years of togetherness as a couple. If you've followed our story, it goes without saying that we've seen quite a bit in those 2 decades. As we replaced another refrigerator this month (bit the dust after 10 years of faithful service), I started to think about the numbers that define our life as a couple. Most of our wedding gifts have come and gone--I think the hand mixer might be the only original appliance we still own. We have faced moves, job changes, births, deaths, celebrations, and struggles.   We're still here! We haven't killed each other yet.  So in honor of our 2 decades together, I share this handy dandy infographic that highlights R-Squared--strictly by the numbers. Enjoy! (Hint: It's easier to view if you click on the infographic and it opens in a new window. Then you can tap the magnifying glass to enlarge or reduce.)

We hit a very important milestone last week! Kiddo has been with us for six months. Does everyone remember what that means? We are ready to move forward with adoption! Now before everyone gets too excited, there is still a great deal of work (and paperwork) to be done until we finally sign on the dotted line and make it legally official.  But this is a MAJOR milestone, both for us and for Kiddo.   I've been in quite the reflective mood lately, so seems a good a time as any to reflect on some of the ways in which Kiddo has changed my life. 1. I'm a more responsible adult when I'm a parent. When it was just Roger and me for a while, it was easy to fall into a slump where we could eat popcorn, PBJ sandwiches, or noodle soup almost every night for dinner. We could leave the laundry lying around unfolded (or at least folded in the basket) for days on end.  Now I have a little person expecting three relatively healthy  meals a day. And I need to set a good exam...

This week, I will celebrate my birthday again.  Most years, I don't find my birthday to be an incredibly big deal.  As far as I'm concerned, my last major milestone birthday was 30. Ever since then, I have sometimes even found myself stumbling to even remember my own age. "I think I turn 34 this year.  Wait! No! How can I be 36 already?" Thirty nine feels a little bit different. I'm not going to say old. I don't really feel old. Most days. But 39 feels like something more significant. It's the eve of 40.  On my last major birthday (yes, we're still talking about 30), I had just become a mother for the first time. I was engaging in what I felt was truly "a career" (rather than "a job"), and I still felt like I had barely left college.  What a difference nine years makes in so many ways.  So to celebrate this personal milestone, I wanted to share some wisdom gleaned from 39 laps around the sun. Many of these thoughts aren'...

In some ways, I find it difficult to believe that I haven't blogged since Charlotte's birthday .  Looking back, it's not that difficult to fathom at all.  Adding a new person to the mix makes for one busy life! Our view at the lake on most days Kiddo has had a pretty great summer, I think. She had quite a few weeks at YMCA Day Camp getting dirty in between swimming lessons.  We also took a week to drive to Lake of the Ozarks, Missouri for a family vacation with Roger's relatives.  Despite getting on each other's last nerves before the 1000 mile trip to the lake was over, it was a fairly smooth ride.  We were pretty well crammed into the VW Bug but we made do and everyone was still relatively comfortable. The return trek was much more tolerable. Maybe we were all more relaxed by then!  Kiddo swam a ton, I read lots of books, and Roger caught about a dozen fish! Also, the Frozen  soundtrack was played about fifty times.  Give or take.  ...

Another trip around the sun.  Another year where I cherished memories of you but I was denied the opportunity to create new ones that included you.  Another year in which I felt blessed in so many ways and yet, somehow, still felt some emptiness.  This year, we took some brave steps as a family. We grew . We welcomed someone else into our world. Sometimes it's challenging but mostly it's a joy.  You are still a part of this. Forever four. Forever in my heart. Since you left us in 2010, I have struggled each year with what feels like an "appropriate" way to acknowledge your birthday. It's not a celebration but sitting in a puddle of tears doesn't really work either. Almost every year, it's a largely private affair and the buildup to the day is almost always more difficult (emotionally) than the day itself. Even though I know that there is no correct  way to handle this strange thing called grief, there's a huge part of me that thinks I sh...

With all this talk about Kiddo lately, you might be wondering where Charlotte has been in all this.  Of course, we needed to tell Kiddo about Charlotte even before her first visit to our home. I think the plethora of pictures might have been a quick giveaway.  Part of my card, complete with the "butterfly life cycle". The little egg on the leaf turns into a CJ butterfly. Kiddo handled Charlotte's story really well. She asked a lot of questions at first. We share stories about her but definitely follow Kiddo's lead in how much we talk about her. Kiddo has also sweetly mentioned Charlotte in her "prayers" and even drew a "CJ" butterfly on my Mother's Day card.   When Charlotte first died, I had a difficult time understanding how anyone with kids could function while grieving another child.  I was completely self-absorbed and was sometimes actually grateful that I could get lost in my grief without having to worry about tying someone'...