I See What You Meme

I think about Charlotte every single day. However, this time of year, I'm flooded with all kinds of memories as we commemorate the anniversary of her birth. This year feels like a bit of a milestone. Sixteen.  If cancer had not taken her life back in 2010, I have a feeling I would be planning a massive birthday celebration this year. 16 always feels like a landmark year in someone's life.  I have been thinking a great deal about the last birthday party we had for Charlotte in 2009. We didn't know it at the time, but we were halfway through her treatment journey. We had been through three major brain surgeries and a few rounds of inpatient chemotherapy. Treatments were not going well. In fact, right after her birthday, we would make the trip to Houston, Texas where we would settle in for about 10 weeks of proton beam radiation treatments and a new customized chemotherapy protocol. This was the unspoken "last chance option" to beat that aggressive brain tumor into ...

Yes. It's been a long time since I've blogged. Doesn't mean my mind hasn't been churning.  It's *Diagnosis Day*. The picture below was taken by Roger as they were waiting at the hospital for CAT scan results on January 20, 2009. I shared our story yesterday at a Synapse meeting, rather unexpectedly. A "teaser" from another member about the  Thumbs Up Ball 2018  and the pending anniversary of this date were both combining factors that helped me decide to share the story. This day in 2009 is forever etched in my brain. There are few details that I have forgotten. I remember Roger picking me up from a full morning of teaching at Romp n' Roll after he'd already spent hours with Charlotte at the pediatricia n and at St. Mary's for a CAT scan. I remember grabbing a quick lunch from the Drive-Thru of Chick-fil-A, but not really wanting to eat anything. (Not wanting to eat CFA? I know! Right?) I remember using my non-smart phone to call friends ...

If there's one thing I've learned on this parenting journey, it's that everyone travels through this experience looking through a lens that is tinted by their own experiences, the way they were raised by their own family, their education, and their personalities.  From the very beginning of parenthood...even before the child pops out of the womb...we, as parents, are bombarded with suggestions and recommendations. Get a doula. Get an epidural. Don't get an epidural. Don't ever co-sleep. Follow your child's lead. Don't feed them solids until they are six months old. Feed them solids early and they will sleep through the night sooner. Enroll them in classes to stimulate their brain. Let them be "free spirits" and explore and play.  In the words of the great Jimmy Buffett, "If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane." It's with all this in mind that I reflect on one parenting perspective that is unique to those who have ch...

Just when you think life is approaching some sense of balance, something comes along to throw you off kilter.  At least that's the way it seems lately.  Many of you heard this week that my mom has been diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma. My mom...and me at about 4 months Although she's been experiencing some medical challenges for a few months, it has taken a while to put all the seemingly disconnected symptoms together and discover the diagnosis. Looking back, it's not all that surprising since Multiple Myeloma is extremely rare (only about .7% of the population has a lifetime risk of contracting it) and really difficult to diagnose in early stages.  Over the last few weeks, I've found myself reflecting with a range of emotions on the entire experience. Here we are again, (almost) eight years later, with a very serious medical diagnosis impacting our family. It is interesting how quickly I can fall back into some of the rhythms that emerge when a loved one is ...

It's that time of year again. The holidays are approaching. How could you avoid the onslaught? I can't believe they actually started the Christmas marketing before  Halloween this year.  But I digress. This isn't really about the holiday season.  (Well, maybe it is. A little.)  What it's really about is that time in November 2009 when we learned that we could no longer fight Charlotte's cancer . That time we had to fully understand that word. Terminal.  For the last five years, that period from November to the end of January has been a blur of avoidance, melancholy, and sadness. We haven't put up a Christmas tree since that pink one that graced our living room until almost April 2010. Only last year did I finally start feeling like "my old self" when it came to the holidays, slowly merging into social celebrations with others without feeling a panic attack coming my way.   Although I can't find it in an old blog post, I know that in ...

This post is not about politics. But it is about Election Day. This was quite a week. We voted. Candidates won. Candidates lost. We said goodbye to political ads for another year or so.  It was a lot to take in.   Charlotte: Election Day 2008 With all the events of the week, my thoughts continued to return to Charlotte.  I thought about how she always went with us to the polls.  Four years ago, she braved the lines and the rain to vote TWICE; once with me and once with her dad.  On election night, Charlotte had long since gone to sleep but Roger and I stayed up till after midnight, watching history unfold.  In the morning, we told her that Barack Obama was our new President.  She could recognize his face in magazines and on television and would say, "That's Barack Obama. He's our new president." Who could have guessed that barely two months from that date, as the President took the oath of office, we faced a whole new world that we never ex...

Well it's my birthday too!  Not quite, but soon! Okay, with apologies to the Beatles, my birthday is approaching. I am not telling you this because I want presents or lavish parties.  In fact, I would prefer to not make my birthday a big deal.  It's not a significant year and, quite frankly, I have plenty of physical reminders that I am getting older.    I do have a few wishes, though. If you would like to give something in honor of my birthday, please consider making a donation in my honor to Autism Speaks .  Our school is participating in the upcoming walk on September 29th and I would like your help and support.  Autism Speaks does a lot to help families managing the difficult diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder with research, advocacy, and family support.  You can follow this link to make a donation. Take the $5 you would spend on a beer or a card for me and give it to them.  If you have even more money to burn , you c...

It has been a difficult week, no question.   First of all, I'm starting to realize that my body is getting old.  I have been taking some great exercise classes at Mom's Treehouse this summer. I love the fact that these classes have offered camaraderie and an opportunity to exercise.  They have, however, also helped me realize that I have very weak knees.  My lower back and knees have been aching this week and even with trips to the chiropractor, I'm having to be gentle with myself.  I'm reminded of what comedian Louis CK says about getting older.( warning: there is language...but it's HILARIOUS!) Secondly, we lost another cancer warrior this week.  Drew Goodman 's battle with the nasty disease ended this week. Although we knew this was coming, it still hurt like hell.  Every time a family loses another child, my heart breaks all over again. On top of all of that, work has been a little crazy.  It's nothing unbearable but on top of ...

It never fails.  The minute I start blogging about not blogging for a while , I get flooded by writing opportunities.  Sometimes the absence is due to lack of inspiration and sometimes it is due to lack of time.  For whatever reason, writing about writing seems to get me back on track. Today I went to Virginia Blood Services for my regular platelet donation.  I have been donating blood since high school but I started donating platelets almost two years ago on Charlotte's birthday.  I have been making that my de facto mode of donation ever since.  My goal this year is to make at least 12 donations and I am on track to make that happen.   Sweet Abbie I think about Charlotte, and the other kiddos who require platelet and blood donations during their treatment, every time I make a donation.  Today, I thought especially about Abbie Waters since a blood drive was held yesterday in her honor .  I dedicated today's donation to her.  G...

Thanks to everyone who commented on the first book excerpt I posted a few weeks ago.  I thought you might enjoy another sneak peek excerpt of my forthcoming book, Four Seasons for Charlotte: A Parent's Year With Pediatric Cancer .   The book will be available on May 15th but you can pre-order now!   If you will be in the Ashland, VA area on May 17th, you are welcome to attend the Book Release Party at Gallery Flux in Ashland from 6-9 PM.  This excerpt is from Chapter 4: Course of Treatment. I also like to refer to this as the "Cancer is a Hurricane" excerpt.  Charlotte turned four on July 9, 2009. Her birthdays had always been cause for celebration, but this year was a bonus beyond measure. Her party was at Romp n’ Roll. We sent out an open invitation to everyone in our support circle: Bring no presents. Just show up, wear Charlotte’s favorite colors (pink and/or purple), and help us celebrate. We had not just one but three birthday cakes donated for th...

As promised, I am bringing you a sneak peek excerpt from my forthcoming book, Four Seasons for Charlotte . The book will be available May 15th. You can currently pre-order at Amazon and Barnes and Noble . You can also add the book to your Goodreads queue ! Stay tuned for book release party info! This is an excerpt from Chapter 10, titled "Bringing Up Baby". I'm including the very beginning and very end of the chapter so you can get some context. Believe it or not, I reach a startling epiphany around....poop.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen.  You read that correctly.  Poop.  Here we go... Before Charlotte was born, well-meaning parents and friends kept repeating the same tired mantra, “You know, after your baby is born, your life is never going to be the same.” Roger and I both thought this was one of the most ridiculous things anyone could say to us. Wasn’t this a given? Who, in their right mind, had any idea that after a baby entered your life it would continue t...

The Fault in Our Stars by John Green My rating: 5 of 5 stars I tread lightly when venturing into "terminal disease" territory when it comes to books, movies , or TV shows. I approach the work (regardless of the medium) with more than a bit of caution. I don't want something that will be schmaltzy or emotionally manipulative. I don't want anything that shies away from the truth. More importantly, I'm worried that the story will resonate so clearly, it will upset me emotionally . With all of this in mind, I dug in to The Fault in our Stars with some degree of cautious optimism. I had heard Scott Simon's interview with John Green on Weekend Edition one Saturday and bought the book the following week. Green quotes the book in his interview, stating, "There is only one thing in this world [worse] than biting it from cancer when you're sixteen, and that's having a kid who bites it from cancer." With that quote, I understood fairly well that...

People have been checking in with me and Roger a lot lately.  There is the usual banter: "Are you looking forward to Christmas ?" (Um. Sure. I guess.) "Are you ready for the holidays?" (Yeah. We kind of play it low-key in our house. You know.) "How are you doing?" (I'm hanging in there.) Some questions come out of run-of-the-mill small talk. I realize every day how many people I work with or see who don't even know my story. They don't know my truth . And sometimes it's just too difficult to explain. Other comments come from genuine concern. We have a gentle and supportive circle of friends. It is helpful. I am glad that other people remember.  I think about it every day.  I have thought a lot about how much I wanted to push myself during the holidays. Roger and I have had many discussions.  Do we put up a tree? (the answer this year was no)  Do we send Christmas cards? (not this year)   Do we give gifts? (not really)  Do we...

I'm very eclectic when it comes to movies. I like dramas, comedies, and thrillers. If you checked my Netflix queue, you would frequently find foreign films, independent films, and documentaries rounding out my list. I even love a good slasher flick every now and then. It all depends on my mood.  Sometimes you know what you're getting into with a movie. Roger and I went to see  The Blair Witch Project right before going camping in the middle of a Virginia State Park. Not one of our smarter moves. If I ever need a good cry, I just pop in Sophie's Choice or ET . If I need to laugh, I put in anything by Mel Brooks or Monty Python .  These days, I tread lightly when it comes to films that revolve around death or illness. It can be a slippery slope. There can be a certain amount of catharsis  in watching these films and I think that's healthy. At the same time, it can open up old wounds. You have to be ready to cry. The other danger with these types of movies ...

It's been quite the 3-day weekend.  I was happy to have time and energy to work on the book   but writing can (and usually does) offer a mixed bag of emotions. It seems that every time I read those chapters, even though I've read some of the words 1000 times and wrote them all myself, memories and feelings come flooding back. I found myself leaking at Starbucks.  Fortunately, nobody else seemed to notice. Another round of editing is done. I think we've picked a title (stay tuned!) and now I need to determine which pictures we're going to use in the book. It's hard to narrow down those choices. There's also been a lot of talk about the first day of school and that makes my heart heavy.  I used to love the first day of school. When I was a kid, I looked forward to fall for so many reasons. Fall meant new clothes. Fall meant a birthday party. Fall meant new beginnings and fresh starts.  Even after I graduated from college, I worked for schools so my mind has al...