I See What You Meme

As I spend my 2nd Mother's Day without my mother and my 10th Mother's Day without my One of my favorite multi-generational pics of me, my mom, and Charlotte.  first-born, I'm probably more reflective than usual. I blame the burgeoning pandemic . I'm still struggling with survivor guilt and an irrational, imaginary pressure to be more productive than I should be in a time of stress. I try to balance managing the influx of information for both my mental health and my need to be well-informed. I'm managing a new household with kids learning from home, replacing rehearsals and school with online tutoring, drum lessons, and playdates; none of which, by the way, are adequate substitutions for the real thing.  I'm trying to embrace the new opportunity for more restful weekends (much needed) with my desire to still do as much as I can to be a force for good. I'm reminded of one of my favorite quotes by E.B. White:  "I arise in the morning torn between a...

"Death changes everything, but unlike what you may have seen or read, it doesn't offer profundities or epiphanies on its own. There's no time for that. It's only later, after the fact, while you're doing something normal -- cleaning the litter box or buying stamps -- that its power arrives. Because it is only life still going on in the present that makes what you've lost become part of the past."   -- Kristopher Jansma, reflecting on his sister's untimely death from oral cancer I read this last week in the middle of everything involving my father-in-law's death and funeral. There is so much truth in this statement and it has really stuck with me over the last few days. 

Over the last week or so, when people ask me, "How are you doing?" my response is "It's been a crazy few weeks." The emotional highs and lows of the last two months have made things a little chaotic in our household. It all began when Roger was called to Florida unexpectedly. His father (Robert), on vacation with Juanita Bonita in the RV, had been diagnosed with appendicitis and the results of the surgery had produced complications.The family was called together.  The birthday boy looks pretty! Meanwhile, plans were still in motion for an (at that point) surprise party for Roger's 50th birthday. As his father seemed to be on the mend, he made it back from Florida with about 4 hours to spare before the secret celebration. The party was a fun distraction and we had dozens of "good deeds" done in honor of Roger's birthday to share with him. Plus beer.  Just some of the many "good deeds" done in honor of Roger's 50th ...

It's the eve of my 40th birthday. A lot of people panic about forty. I've been thinking about this. A lot. In fact, if you have followed my blog for a while (at least a year) you know that it's been on my mind for...well... at least a year . I remember when my mother turned forty. It was only a big deal in the sense that it was a neat, round number. It was the first "major milestone" birthday that I remembered for a family member. Other than that, I didn't really get it. I didn't see it as "middle aged" or "over the hill" (It was 40 then. Isn't 50 the new 40?).  Now, here I am. I'm in the same place my mother was in 1987...in so many ways. Our eldest children were born in the shadow of our 30th birthdays. I was 29. My mom was 28. Within the next ten years, we would both face amazing joys and incredible challenges. For my mom, it was helping my father start his law practice and raising a family. For me, it was also launc...

Dear Zach, Almost three weeks ago, you surprised us with such scary and unsettling news.  We were shocked to learn you had suffered a massive seizure and (possible) blood clot that sent you to the hospital. Despite your medical team's best efforts, you were unable to recover from your injuries. On Friday night, your family made the very difficult decision to remove the machines helping you breathe and keeping your heart pumping.  You passed to the other side at about 5:30 Sunday morning.  I miss you already. Me and Zach sharing a funny moment on stage Zach, I first met you when Roger and I were introduced to ComedySportz in November 2012 as part of a Richmond Mom  and CJSTUF fundraiser.  I immediately knew that you were more than a talented improviser. You were a genuinely nice person, a good friend, and a great  teacher. I learned so much about the world of improv from you.  I enjoyed reading your perspectives on comedy  on your...

On Tuesday, we will mark four years since Charlotte died.  For the last three years, I have approached this date with a mixture of dread, anticipation, and honor.  It always feels strange to me.  For the vast majority of parents, there is one major day that we honor for our child on an annual basis.  It is their birthday.  I still find it surreal that I honor my child on the day of her death.  We know what to do in honoring a birth. There is a party with food, friends, family, the bestowing of gifts, and celebration.  How do we honor a death? To cast a dark shadow over the day seems right at the gut level, but then it immediately feels wrong.  When Charlotte died, we didn't mark the day with morbid black. It was a celebration of pink and purple with music, color, and light.   Of course, I remember Charlotte every day. I think of her when I first wake up and she is one of my last thoughts before bed at night.  I see things that remin...

This week, I started something pretty amazing.  I am honored to have been selected in ENLP Cohort 7. We're a rowdy bunch! the latest class of the Emerging Nonprofit Leaders Program  (ENLP) run by the Partnership for Nonprofit Excellence here in Richmond.  This 9 month program allows me to go through leadership training with a cohort of 19 other nonprofit leaders serving a variety of organizations in the RVA.  Every month, I will take a day (or so) out of my work schedule to learn more about leadership, about my strengths and challenges as a leader, and about the Richmond nonprofit community as a whole.   I couldn't do this without the blessing and support of my bosses at Commonwealth Autism Service .  I am the third employee from our organization to go through the program and I am grateful that they have allowed me both the time away from work and the funds to make this professional development possible.  I'm 40 feet in the air (on the left) ...

It could have been a really bad day.  I could have stayed at home and moped. I could have done nothing but cry.  I could have been miserable.  Instead, I was inspired by Roger's amazing blog posts ( Part 1 and Part 2 ).  I have some wonderful colleagues at work who treated me to lunch and distracting conversation (Breaking Bad and the Walking Dead, anyone?).  I was touched by the multiple messages I received via phone, text, and facebook post.  My heart was warmed every time I saw a butterfly posted in Charlotte's honor as someone's profile picture.   To top it off, we came together with friends and neighbors to release a bunch of purple balloons. This has become our annual tradition on this day and I think it is a good thing.  I know. It might not be the most environmentally friendly thing to do.  However, I'm a rabid recycler and a Tree Hugger in all kinds of other ways. It balances out in the end.   In short, I felt loved...

Have you heard this question a lot lately? I have.  Three years after losing Charlotte, I still feel like I don't quite handle the holidays well.  Worse, I still don't know how to answer this question.   On the plus side, I am blessed with a great job and had two full weeks (three full weekends!) of vacation time.  I completed a number of projects around the house and managed to work on some pending CJSTUF projects that had been on my to-do list for quite some time.  I had some grown-up playdates (AKA lunch!) with friends.  I was able to sleep in and managed to get in some pleasure reading as well.  Who can complain? On the other hand, I experienced the usual grief flare ups.  It actually started early, thanks to the horrible events in Connecticut .  Learning that any parent has lost their child, regardless of the cause, tends to open my heart up again. The ache returns. It was a rough week leading up to Christmas.  Then Christmas...

Me playing with Thomas in one of his last shows. Today I awoke to unimaginable news.  Thomas George, one of my fellow ComedySportz players and friends, died in his sleep last night.  Thomas was just a little bit younger than me.  I played in his last ComedySportz show on Friday night.  We were supposed to play together last night as well.  He never showed up at the theater.  I am shocked and sad.  Although I have mentioned ComedySportz (CSZ) a few times on my blog , I have never really talked about the impact it has had on my life in just one short year.  Roger and I stumbled upon CSZ through a Richmond Mom fundraiser.  We were invited by Kate Hall to participate as "guest performers" in November 2011.  We had such a good time with the two-day event, we decided to audition for the major league troupe last January.   I had no idea that we would make it into the troupe.  We really went to the auditions on a lark. ...

The terrible tragedy of Newtown Connecticut rocked our world on Friday.  Other than the initial headlines and President Obama's eloquent and moving address to the nation, I have avoided the mass media coverage.  I haven't even listened to NPR.   All I do is leak . I am sure it has probably already started. It probably started even before the final body counts and the identity of the shooter were known.   The question of WHY.   Here's the thing: we can ask all the questions we want. Journalists and pundits can debate these issues, dissect the facts, and hypothesize until they turn blue in the face. The simple truth is that there is no WHY.  We can question whether mental illness played a role in Adam Lanza's crime but there is no reason to do so.  Show me a similar incident in history when mental illness was not a factor.  People living in stability don't kill other people.  We can question whether more security at the school ...

About a month ago, I invited readers of my blog to submit questions they had for a grieving parent .  I wondered if there were questions that people had always wanted to ask but never quite had the courage to verbalize.  I received some intriguing suggestions.  In forthcoming blog posts, I am going to attempt to answer each question.  It seemed most appropriate to begin this post on Charlotte's 7th birthday.  The pain associated with grief takes many forms.  As I mentioned recently, I often feel the pain ebb and flow like waves on a beach .  There are times in my life, such as near holidays or anniversaries, where the waves seem tsunami sized.  The pain is sharper. I am more sensitive to some of the things that "trigger" my sadness. I'm probably more grumpy and easier to anger as well (apologies to anyone that gets caught in the wake). Sometimes I feel like I might drown.  Once the tsunami subsides, though, life resumes to this plac...

Life can only be understood backward but it must be lived forward.  ~Soren Kierkegaard  There have been about a million thoughts rumbling in my brain lately but I have been very slack about getting them on paper (or, at least, the blog). Life has just been busy -- in a good way -- and by the time I get around to blogging, I find myself tired. Or distracted.   The balloon launch... Finally, I find the time to collect my thoughts.  There have been many thoughts of Charlotte over the past week. Last Saturday, when we reflected on her passing with close friends, I felt supported and comforted. The day was just what I needed it to be. The weather was a balmy 60-some degrees. It was breezy and (most of) the balloons found their way into the sky as we launched them in our cul de sac.  I am grateful to everyone who left who shared the day, sent us notes, and told us how they remembered Charlotte in their own way.   Then, Roger and I decided to w...