I See What You Meme

It has been almost one year since I announced to the greater world that I was diving into graduate school again to pursue my Ph.D . What has changed over the last year? When I announced that I was going back to school, we weren't sure if the "on-ground" components of the class would be in-person or virtual. For Fall and Spring, we had to stay virtual. This meant that even though I was in class one weekend per month, I was able to attend from the comfort of my spare room; no need to flex my work schedule or take the train to DC.  As classes started in September, I found a rhythm to my weekly load. Go to work (most days, 8:30-5ish), come home, get in a walk if I'm lucky, eat dinner with the family, chill for a bit. Then about 7 pm, I'd sit down at the computer to work on classwork. Some nights, it's reading (SO much reading). Other nights, it's posting to a discussion group or meeting up with colleagues for a group project, or outlining thoughts for an upcom...

If there's one thing I've learned on this parenting journey, it's that everyone travels through this experience looking through a lens that is tinted by their own experiences, the way they were raised by their own family, their education, and their personalities.  From the very beginning of parenthood...even before the child pops out of the womb...we, as parents, are bombarded with suggestions and recommendations. Get a doula. Get an epidural. Don't get an epidural. Don't ever co-sleep. Follow your child's lead. Don't feed them solids until they are six months old. Feed them solids early and they will sleep through the night sooner. Enroll them in classes to stimulate their brain. Let them be "free spirits" and explore and play.  In the words of the great Jimmy Buffett, "If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane." It's with all this in mind that I reflect on one parenting perspective that is unique to those who have ch...

We hit a very important milestone last week! Kiddo has been with us for six months. Does everyone remember what that means? We are ready to move forward with adoption! Now before everyone gets too excited, there is still a great deal of work (and paperwork) to be done until we finally sign on the dotted line and make it legally official.  But this is a MAJOR milestone, both for us and for Kiddo.   I've been in quite the reflective mood lately, so seems a good a time as any to reflect on some of the ways in which Kiddo has changed my life. 1. I'm a more responsible adult when I'm a parent. When it was just Roger and me for a while, it was easy to fall into a slump where we could eat popcorn, PBJ sandwiches, or noodle soup almost every night for dinner. We could leave the laundry lying around unfolded (or at least folded in the basket) for days on end.  Now I have a little person expecting three relatively healthy  meals a day. And I need to set a good exam...

With all this talk about Kiddo lately, you might be wondering where Charlotte has been in all this.  Of course, we needed to tell Kiddo about Charlotte even before her first visit to our home. I think the plethora of pictures might have been a quick giveaway.  Part of my card, complete with the "butterfly life cycle". The little egg on the leaf turns into a CJ butterfly. Kiddo handled Charlotte's story really well. She asked a lot of questions at first. We share stories about her but definitely follow Kiddo's lead in how much we talk about her. Kiddo has also sweetly mentioned Charlotte in her "prayers" and even drew a "CJ" butterfly on my Mother's Day card.   When Charlotte first died, I had a difficult time understanding how anyone with kids could function while grieving another child.  I was completely self-absorbed and was sometimes actually grateful that I could get lost in my grief without having to worry about tying someone'...

We have hit the one month mark with Kiddo officially in our home! Hooray! When I run into people, so many ask, "How are things going?" and most of the time, all I can really say is, "Great!"  I think it is going very well.  Our life is not without its hiccups and bumps.  Some days, the morning or evening routine runs smoother than others. Some days she's sad. Some days, she frustrates us. Some days we have so much fun I can hardly contain myself.   My new Happy Hour includes sassy nail design. So this is what parenting is like (again)!  In some ways, I feel like I never left. I have always worked in jobs involving kids so spending time with Kiddo feels natural as well. Of course, she is different from the kids I work with in the community and she is also different from Charlotte. There are many similarities as well, though. All you need to do is look on Facebook or spend some time chatting with your fellow friends who are parents to realize that we a...

As you may have guessed, the wonder of parenthood is a busy blur of meetings, activities, chauffeuring, entertaining, meal preparation, and more! All continues to go well and I know some of you have had the opportunity to meet Kiddo "in person".  We have really enjoyed introducing her to some of our favorite things.  Friday included a trip to Comedy Sportz , where she instantly captured the hearts of some of our fellow playerz. Also on the agenda was an Easter Egg Hunt with friends, church, and a fabulous family dinner.  On Saturday, I finally  found some time to do some gardening.  I only pretend to have a green thumb, relying every season on my stepfather, the Master Gardener, to direct my planting, trimming, and fertilizing decisions.  After a cold winter, it felt so good to dig in the dirt and add some color to the yard. The Butterfly Bush at its first planting It was during my time in the garden that I thought a great deal about both Charl...

As they day approaches (tomorrow!) for Kiddo to officially become a "regular" part of our lives, reflections and musings continue.   Rationally and legally, we know that Kiddo will not really be "ours" until the adoption papers are finalized, and that will probably take at least  a year.  At the same time, she has definitely captured our hearts.  We are hooked. Perhaps I'm overly optimistic, but I find it highly unlikely that anything would happen on our  end to keep this adoption from becoming a reality.  At the same time, I have no illusions that this will be smooth sailing.  Any child who enters a family through the foster care system will bring her share of challenges and fears.  I have heard comments from many people as we have engaged in this process that fall along the lines of, " She is so lucky to have you." and "You are very special people to do this. " I don't completely disagree with those statements, but I don't know ...

The countdown continues! Our overnight visit with Kiddo went very well.  She settled in to our house nicely, demonstrating natural curiosity about everything, and we had a great (almost) 24 hours with her.  No broken bones. No temper tantrums. No disasters. And I'm just talking about Roger and me.   We did learn some important things this weekend.   Here are the top 5 tidbits we can share: So, remember how we told you that Kiddo was 6? Yeah. About that.  Apparently, she's 7. While we were absorbing all of the other information about her, she had a birthday during the time between her initial referral and our first meetup. We completely blocked out the fat that she had turned a year older.  Oh well.  Ice cubes in the bathtub are the best stress reliever ever.  In one of our earliest meetings with Kiddo, we shared with her that throwing ice cubes into a bathtub can be a great way to relieve anger (Thanks, Katya, for that Pro Tip!) . It ma...

When you find yourself willing to share many aspects of your life online, there is an expected amount of attention that you know is going to come your way.  We learned this during Charlotte's illness.  Roger or I would post a Caring Bridge blog. Within days (or sometimes hours) of the post, we would see folks out in the community and they would already be "up to date" on our news.  Instead of, "What's new with Charlotte?" we got "I just read your update and...".  It did sometimes save time and effort in retelling stories. Plus, we always felt that the community knew what  we needed when  we needed it. As I have continued the blog after Charlotte's death, not much has changed.  Going through times of challenge and grief , the community continues to walk beside us, crying empathic tears and shouting with joy when the moments presented themselves.  I know that this type of self-expression isn't for everyone, but it works for us. Now we ar...

I know an update is in order. First, thanks to everyone for the outpouring of support that Roger and I felt with my last posting .  We are also excited about this new adventure in our lives and I am touched by the offerings of toys, playdates, and help we received already. We have had a few more visits with Kiddo .  She is doing very well at her temporary placement and we are enjoying getting to know her.  It is interesting and strange to fall into the parenting role again.  This is compounded largely by the fact that while our hope is to make our home Kiddo's   permanent home, there are still many steps to take before that happens. A few common questions have come up from friends so I thought I might answer some of them here.  First of all, it's important to know that the process of adoption for older children like Kiddo  takes a significant amount of time.  For at least the first 6 months, Kiddo  will continue to be considered a fos...

Today was a very momentous day.  I will preface all of this with a simple fact that everyone involved in our journey will need to accept: due to confidentiality, there are some things that we just can't share.   With that said, I will tell you that we met a beautiful girl today.  For now, let's call her " Kiddo ".   Kiddo  is 6 years old and after a brief 30 day stay in a residential placement, she will be coming into our home with the intention of adoption. There have been lots of meetings, phone calls, and logistical maneuverings leading up to the events of today and I won't bore you with the minutiae.  Basically, Kiddo's social worker met us (and our UMFS intake coordinators) at UMFS for lunch today.  Until now, all we knew about Kiddo was on paper and via case worker reports.  She hadn't seen a picture of us either.   When we asked her what she knew about what was happening right now, she said, "I'm going to go stay at [resident...

As 2013 draws to a close, everyone is focused on wrapping up the year and setting their sights on 2014.  Goals will be set.   Resolutions will be broken .  Lives will be changed one way or the other.  All of this goes without saying. This time of year has been difficult for me since 2009.  In fact, it's only been the last year or so that I approached anything resembling "normalcy" when it comes to acknowledging the holidays.  Just when I started to get my sea legs back, I was struck last year at this time with the sudden death of a good friend.   This year, there is an added wrinkle.  We have spent our Advent season most appropriately, anticipating and preparing not for the arrival of the Christ but for the child or children that UMFS may place with us once we officially open our home on January 13th.  Most of the physical preparations are done.  There are 2 rooms ready (at least generically) for up to 2 children.  The lock...

So unless you've been completely out of the loop for the last 6 months or so, you know that Roger and I have been in the process of training and approval to become Resource Parents (foster/adoptive parents) with UMFS .  On Wednesday, we crossed another threshold with our "opening meeting".  At this meeting, we signed all the final paperwork (Yes.  MORE paperwork!) to become Resource Parents.   Now we wait.  We could have opened our home immediately. In fact, they told us that they have some referrals "in mind" for us already.  However, we needed to get through the holiday season and (more importantly), January 7th before officially opening our home.  I know that these dates and anniversaries will come our way again; however, Roger and I both felt that it was important to get our minds set before welcoming a new child into our home. Am I excited? Yes.  Am I terrified? Heck, yes! But most parents are when waiting for a child to enter the...

As the weather turns slowly from summer to fall, I am increasingly aware of other changes making their way into my life.  I don't fear change. In fact, I know that change is a "normal" part of the life process. If we push too hard against inevitable change, we meet resistance and frustration.  Sometimes, though, changes come on so slowly that we don't even notice the gradual shift until the "new" has been fully replaced by "the old". Some gradual changes... I'm writing less on a formal basis these days. There was no conscious decision about this. I have just become more involved in other things.  I still think about writing quite a bit and I often write "for myself" (journaling, etc.) but I am blogging on a less frequent basis and my writing for other publications has slowed down. It's ok because I know that everything cycles back around eventually. I'm reading more.  I had gone for a long time without reading f...

At the beginning of chapter 3 of Four Seasons for Charlotte , I wrote: "If someone had walked up to me on the day that Roger and I meet and said, 'This is the man you are going to marry,' I would  have questioned that person's sanity." Readers who haven't known Roger and I for the decade and a half (plus!) that we have been together have remarked amusingly on this comment.  In fact, they have demanded photographic proof of the "hip graduate student majoring in Jazz Studies with long hair, a dangly earring, and wild clothes."   Ladies and gentlemen, I offer you photographic evidence: Exhibit A:The college ID, circa mid 90s.  Yes, Roger had hair.   Exhibit B: The fashion choices.  This was during a trip to Key West in 1995.  Note the stylish weightlifting pants and funky hat. Also note that Roger was not a weightlifter. I think he felt a deep fashion bond with the car we found along Duval Street.     This was our first...

So this is my 100th blog post.  Can you believe that? I've been writing this blog for almost 15 months. Thank you for continuing to show up for my ramblings and musings.  I think that it is incredibly fitting that I hit the century mark as I am poised to make an exciting announcement.  ( Drum roll please...) I have a release date for my book! Four Seasons for Charlotte  will be available in wide release on May 15th of this year. The book is already available for pre-order on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. I searched for it today and found it! How exciting is that?   Electronic versions of the book will also be available.   We will also sell copies through the CJSTUF website.  I am also excited to let you know that 50% of all of my royalties from sales of the book will go directly to CJSTUF.  We will have details about a release party and some local signings coming soon. As some of you noticed via my announcement on Twitter and Facebook...

December 1st is one of those days for me. I don't know if all mothers mark this day, but for me it is one that I will never forget. This was the day in 2004 when I realized I was pregnant. This was not an easy journey. We had been trying to get pregnant for over three years. Many medical tests, fertility treatments, and months of disappointment later, we had essentially given up. The doctors had said that without major medical intervention (i.e. in vitro or use of an egg donor), we would probably not get pregnant.  I wasn't ready for that battle. My body was tired. I was emotionally tired. We didn't have the money and I didn't feel like I could handle the emotional ups and downs of an in vitro process.  In early 2004, we decided that our best option was to pursue adoption. Roger and I enrolled in foster/adoption classes with a local agency and we had started what we thought was our journey to parenthood.  I put away the pregnancy tests and we started talking about h...