I See What You Meme

It's 2020. It's almost Christmas. We're still in the middle of a pandemic. In fact, we are experiencing what appears to be an incredible surge that is exerting tremendous pressure on our healthcare and social service system. The headlines are clear: we're not done with this madness and December 31, 2020 will not magically be the "end of it".  Earlier in the year, our family thought about whether we might be able to travel at this time. We thought that maybe the curve would be flat enough that we could take a few days away from home during the Christmas holidays. We realized that the pandemic would still be happening, but with the right protections and with prolific mask usage, we could get a much-needed change of scenery. During what is now (clearly) a delusional thought process, we booked a stay in Gatlinburg, Tennessee for the week of December 19th. Spoiler alert: we canceled the trip almost two weeks ago.  Canceling this trip was not a tragedy. In fact, I ...

Here we are in the middle of Christmas, headed for New Year's and Epiphany! When last I left you , we were just easing in to the holiday season, on the heels of the signing of much official adoption paperwork.  The process continues. The judge has the papers.  We should be official about 2 months (or so).  Overall, it has been a relatively easy Christmas. After five  years of grief and dread , it's nice to have a healthy distraction in the form of a tiny person's holiday joy. All of those activities--visiting Santa, singing carols, looking at the lights, preparing presents for others--when seen through the perspective of a child can have a way of softening the blow a bit.  The sadness has been there in fits and starts, but it definitely feels different. These months between November and January are always a bit reflective anyway.   Of course, while it is the season for holiday celebrations, it is also the time of mass binge watching of movies and other...

As 2013 draws to a close, everyone is focused on wrapping up the year and setting their sights on 2014.  Goals will be set.   Resolutions will be broken .  Lives will be changed one way or the other.  All of this goes without saying. This time of year has been difficult for me since 2009.  In fact, it's only been the last year or so that I approached anything resembling "normalcy" when it comes to acknowledging the holidays.  Just when I started to get my sea legs back, I was struck last year at this time with the sudden death of a good friend.   This year, there is an added wrinkle.  We have spent our Advent season most appropriately, anticipating and preparing not for the arrival of the Christ but for the child or children that UMFS may place with us once we officially open our home on January 13th.  Most of the physical preparations are done.  There are 2 rooms ready (at least generically) for up to 2 children.  The lock...

Have you heard this question a lot lately? I have.  Three years after losing Charlotte, I still feel like I don't quite handle the holidays well.  Worse, I still don't know how to answer this question.   On the plus side, I am blessed with a great job and had two full weeks (three full weekends!) of vacation time.  I completed a number of projects around the house and managed to work on some pending CJSTUF projects that had been on my to-do list for quite some time.  I had some grown-up playdates (AKA lunch!) with friends.  I was able to sleep in and managed to get in some pleasure reading as well.  Who can complain? On the other hand, I experienced the usual grief flare ups.  It actually started early, thanks to the horrible events in Connecticut .  Learning that any parent has lost their child, regardless of the cause, tends to open my heart up again. The ache returns. It was a rough week leading up to Christmas.  Then Christmas...

The year is waning and yet everything seems to be ramping up, doesn't it? We always try to pack so much into a few weeks out of the year.  Sometimes I have to remember to slow down. This weekend, Roger and I had an opportunity for a road trip to Tiffin, Ohio. Never heard of it, you say? It's a small town in Northern Ohio, home to two private universities and a community of some amazing individuals.  Because of some of Roger's music connections, CJSTUF was selected as the beneficiary of Tiffin University's annual Holiday Concert at the Ritz Theater .  Roger also had a chance to perform as the "special guest" with the Jazz Vocal ensemble, singing, "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year".  ( Editor's note: he rocked!) Hey! Who's that famous author in the coffee shop ? During our visit, we had a chance to meet many people. We had a book signing at a local coffee shop on Saturday with front row seats for the Christmas Parade!  Eve...

As a rule, I'm not a weepy person.  I have my moments.  We all do.  There are certain topics ( favorite Charlotte memories ) or commercials ( Damn you, St. Judes! ) that push me over the edge from time to time but I am not, by nature, a person who cries easily.  Except when it comes to music.  I have always thought it was my connection to music as a musician  that made me feel the emotion more closely than others.  There are certain songs (we will get to that in a moment) that are guaranteed to trigger the tears, regardless of the time, date, or setting.  I always figured, "Well, maybe it's me." It turns out that it's NOT me. There is actually some science  behind the weepy triggers in music.  A recent article in the Wall Street Journal    explained this phenomenon, highlighting Adele's music as a prime example of the powerful emotions a well-crafted tune can bring.   On the Media covered the same story and gav...

So here we are on the penultimate day of the year. I survived the Christmas holiday . I even went to church. More on that in a future post (possibly). The last week or so has been a wonderful combination of relaxing and productive. I admit that I haven't blogged much but I've been busy with other projects at home.   In thinking about the close of the year, I considered a collection of lists. I've been enjoying all the other Top 10 Lists populating the Internet these days but when I considered my own, I felt horribly inadequate. I've only seen from 1/3 to 1/2 of the movies that people are talking about on their 10 best list. I don't think I even saw 10 movies in the theater this year. I wouldn't be a good authority on movies. I've read a lot of books this year but I've already reviewed those books on my blog . You can always find me on Goodreads to get an idea of what I liked or didn't like.  Music. Well, I listen to a lot of music and my tast...

People have been checking in with me and Roger a lot lately.  There is the usual banter: "Are you looking forward to Christmas ?" (Um. Sure. I guess.) "Are you ready for the holidays?" (Yeah. We kind of play it low-key in our house. You know.) "How are you doing?" (I'm hanging in there.) Some questions come out of run-of-the-mill small talk. I realize every day how many people I work with or see who don't even know my story. They don't know my truth . And sometimes it's just too difficult to explain. Other comments come from genuine concern. We have a gentle and supportive circle of friends. It is helpful. I am glad that other people remember.  I think about it every day.  I have thought a lot about how much I wanted to push myself during the holidays. Roger and I have had many discussions.  Do we put up a tree? (the answer this year was no)  Do we send Christmas cards? (not this year)   Do we give gifts? (not really)  Do we...

Now that Halloween is over, it seems that the end of the year holidays are clamoring for attention. Our stores were filled with Christmas paraphernalia before the Halloween candy and costumes even managed to walk off the shelves.  Everyone complains about it but it doesn't seem to change the mind of marketers. It only seems to spur them on.  I've been ambivalent about the holiday marketing onslaught for years. It seems that the focus for these holidays moves a little bit more towards conspicuous consumption and away from the true Reason for the Season. For almost 10 years, Roger and I have been gradually paring down our holiday gift giving. Our "gift" to friends and family has been a donation to a worthy organization in lieu of presents, sometimes accompanied by a symbolic token representing the organization. The first year, we donated to Habitat for Humanity and made simple but artsy pictures frames out of hardware materials (washers,bolts, and nails).  Another year...

Yes, my friends, it's the Holiday Season.  Hanukkah has come and gone, Advent is winding down, and Christmas is imminent.  I guess it's time to go to church.  I have become a Chreaster.  Those of you who fastidiously followed our story with Charlotte may remember my previous discussion on Chreasters .  A Chreaster is a person that shows up at church on the main holidays in the Christian calendar, principally Christmas and Easter.  Other than those holidays, you'd be surprised to see them in a church at all.  Some go out of obligation (or guilt), others go because they just don't generally feel comfortable in church on a regular basis.  Perhaps they don't have a regular church home but it feels right (or necessary) to make an appearance on the holiest of days in the Christian calendar.  For some, that's the realm of their spiritual experience.  It's not right or wrong, although I suppose some might see it as a derogator...

Now that we've had a few posts to settle in with one another, let's get personal, shall we?   It's almost an understatement to say that this has been a difficult year.  The last few weeks, especially, brought back a flood of memories.  This time last year, we were in the home stretch .   We were watching our daughter die.  I have spent the weeks since Thanksgiving thinking of our final days with her.  I miss her terribly.  I miss her laugh and her smile and her stories.  I cry a lot.   This is going to sound funny but I don't cry the way I used too.  In the past, if I got upset, you would KNOW that I was upset.  Now, it just kind of leaks out.  I'll be sitting somewhere: waiting in line at the store, working, driving in my car....and the tears just start to flow.  I don't even necessarily "break down" and sob.  I just leak.   Anything can trigger the leak.  Usually it's a memory of Charlot...