I See What You Meme

Here it is! My 50th year.  How do you mark a half-century on the planet?  First, I'm astounded by the many other things that are marking 50 years in our culture:  The movies  Jaws and Monty Python and the Holy Grail The Rocky Horror Picture Show Bohemian Rhapsody Saturday Night Live Space Mountain at Walt Disney World Famous Amos chocolate chip cookies Reaching this milestone also had me thinking about the many human milestones we mark. Most of these happen in our childhood, but there are some that we reach even in adulthood.  I've been walking and talking for 49 years I've been swimming for 47 years (yes, I'm a Florida baby!) ...a sister for 47 years ....reading for 46 years ....riding a bike for 45 years ....sewing a basic hem or a button for 42 years (thanks, Grandma Libby) ...playing the piano for 40 years ...touch typing for 37 years. And that started on a typewriter! ... working (collecting a real paycheck and not just babysitting or odd jobs) for 36 years...

It's that time of year when the blog musings center on my grief journey. Every year, it seems like we are busy with end-of-the-year school activities and the start of summer, planning vacations, and then (kablam)...it's almost July 9.  Grief is funny. Grief is weird. I remember very early after Charlotte died, I watched the movie Rabbit Hole.  There's an amazingly poignant scene where Nicole Kidman's character is talking with another woman who lost a child over 10 years before (played by Dianne Wiest). She talks about grief being like a brick in your pocket. It never goes away. Sometimes you can even forget it's there. But it comes back and makes its presence known from time to time. And (she says) "it's what you have of them."    I probably did not fully realize then what a powerful and true analogy that is. As time goes on, our grief changes. Yet, it is always there on the edge of things. It sits in that pocket and sometimes makes itself known.  This...

Yes. It's been a long time since I've blogged. Doesn't mean my mind hasn't been churning.  It's *Diagnosis Day*. The picture below was taken by Roger as they were waiting at the hospital for CAT scan results on January 20, 2009. I shared our story yesterday at a Synapse meeting, rather unexpectedly. A "teaser" from another member about the  Thumbs Up Ball 2018  and the pending anniversary of this date were both combining factors that helped me decide to share the story. This day in 2009 is forever etched in my brain. There are few details that I have forgotten. I remember Roger picking me up from a full morning of teaching at Romp n' Roll after he'd already spent hours with Charlotte at the pediatricia n and at St. Mary's for a CAT scan. I remember grabbing a quick lunch from the Drive-Thru of Chick-fil-A, but not really wanting to eat anything. (Not wanting to eat CFA? I know! Right?) I remember using my non-smart phone to call friends ...

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about Charlotte. She is everywhere. I see her in so many things. Most of the time, the thoughts are happy memories but they are often tinged with a bittersweet sadness and longing.  Around mid-June each year, it starts. For some reason, I'm extra sensitive to different memories or triggers. Some of these make sense. At the end of the school year, as kids are celebrating accomplishments and moving forward in time, I think of Charlotte. She never even made it to Kindergarten. I try to imagine what she would be interested in now, what her summers would look like, who her friends would be. Even with another child who has much to celebrate and keep me occupied, my thoughts fall back to her.  Bear. Just sayin' hello.  Other triggers are more mundane. I was at our chiropractor's office the other day for a regular visit and there was Bear, sitting there staring at me from the kid's play area. I hadn't tho...

Over the last week or so, when people ask me, "How are you doing?" my response is "It's been a crazy few weeks." The emotional highs and lows of the last two months have made things a little chaotic in our household. It all began when Roger was called to Florida unexpectedly. His father (Robert), on vacation with Juanita Bonita in the RV, had been diagnosed with appendicitis and the results of the surgery had produced complications.The family was called together.  The birthday boy looks pretty! Meanwhile, plans were still in motion for an (at that point) surprise party for Roger's 50th birthday. As his father seemed to be on the mend, he made it back from Florida with about 4 hours to spare before the secret celebration. The party was a fun distraction and we had dozens of "good deeds" done in honor of Roger's birthday to share with him. Plus beer.  Just some of the many "good deeds" done in honor of Roger's 50th ...

I'm not much of a jewelry person. I love admiring beautiful baubles and gems, especially on those who seem to have a knack for accessorizing, but I am pretty low maintenance when it comes to the shiny stuff. Most of my more valuable pieces are items with sentimental value, inherited from now deceased family or given with an exceptional showing of love (my engagement/wedding ring, for example). While other girls may fantasize about their significant other gifting them with jewelry for a special occasion, I'm much happier with the gift of books. Or a massage. It certainly makes it easy for Roger. He never has to go to Jared .   I have been known to wear the same pair of pearl posts in my ears for weeks at a time and I tend to go for classic pieces that "go with everything" so I just don't have to think about changing them out. I have a few fun pieces that I wear with certain outfits and I treasure the many pieces of butterfly jewelry that have come my way in the l...

Here we are in the middle of Christmas, headed for New Year's and Epiphany! When last I left you , we were just easing in to the holiday season, on the heels of the signing of much official adoption paperwork.  The process continues. The judge has the papers.  We should be official about 2 months (or so).  Overall, it has been a relatively easy Christmas. After five  years of grief and dread , it's nice to have a healthy distraction in the form of a tiny person's holiday joy. All of those activities--visiting Santa, singing carols, looking at the lights, preparing presents for others--when seen through the perspective of a child can have a way of softening the blow a bit.  The sadness has been there in fits and starts, but it definitely feels different. These months between November and January are always a bit reflective anyway.   Of course, while it is the season for holiday celebrations, it is also the time of mass binge watching of movies and other...

In The Waste Land , TS Eliot pontificates that "April is the cruelest month".  In our world, January seems to fit the bill.   January 22, 2009 Right before her first brain surgery First, there are the obvious anniversaries.  Charlotte died on January 7, 2010.  Her diagnosis day was January 20, 2009. That was the moment in time when our world changed forever.  Today (1/22) marks the day of her first brain surgery.  The path of our lives for the next year was fixed at that point.  Our focus was on Charlotte and little else.  January 2009 shaped our lives in a way that few other moments in history ever can.  Then there is the cumulative effect.   The holidays are hard .  In fact, once November hits, all I can really think about are those final days with our daughter.  The Make-A-Wish trip. The reading vigil. The moments watching her decline and anticipating her passing.  These memories converge with opportunites to ...

As the weather turns slowly from summer to fall, I am increasingly aware of other changes making their way into my life.  I don't fear change. In fact, I know that change is a "normal" part of the life process. If we push too hard against inevitable change, we meet resistance and frustration.  Sometimes, though, changes come on so slowly that we don't even notice the gradual shift until the "new" has been fully replaced by "the old". Some gradual changes... I'm writing less on a formal basis these days. There was no conscious decision about this. I have just become more involved in other things.  I still think about writing quite a bit and I often write "for myself" (journaling, etc.) but I am blogging on a less frequent basis and my writing for other publications has slowed down. It's ok because I know that everything cycles back around eventually. I'm reading more.  I had gone for a long time without reading f...

I got to spend the last week in Florida.  Yes, for those of you reading my blog in Virginia or other frigid climates, you are allowed to be a tad jealous.  Even though the evenings were cool, I got by with a sweater. And I walked on the beach almost every day.   It all ends tomorrow.   Overall, I had a great time with friends and family.  I spoke at my hometown library to a crowd of over 60 people and also presented to a great Girl Scout troop run by an old childhood friend. After all of that, I had a chance for some rest and relaxation.   I did have a few realizations during my trip. I have become the queen of reminiscence. I think I drove Roger crazy with stories of "there used to be a huge hotel in this spot" and "back when I was a kid, nothing was built out here" and "I remember when...".  Yeah, I'm getting older.  There is a mixture of feelings in watching your hometown change, especially when you don't live there all the time.  ...

It could have been a really bad day.  I could have stayed at home and moped. I could have done nothing but cry.  I could have been miserable.  Instead, I was inspired by Roger's amazing blog posts ( Part 1 and Part 2 ).  I have some wonderful colleagues at work who treated me to lunch and distracting conversation (Breaking Bad and the Walking Dead, anyone?).  I was touched by the multiple messages I received via phone, text, and facebook post.  My heart was warmed every time I saw a butterfly posted in Charlotte's honor as someone's profile picture.   To top it off, we came together with friends and neighbors to release a bunch of purple balloons. This has become our annual tradition on this day and I think it is a good thing.  I know. It might not be the most environmentally friendly thing to do.  However, I'm a rabid recycler and a Tree Hugger in all kinds of other ways. It balances out in the end.   In short, I felt loved...

Me playing with Thomas in one of his last shows. Today I awoke to unimaginable news.  Thomas George, one of my fellow ComedySportz players and friends, died in his sleep last night.  Thomas was just a little bit younger than me.  I played in his last ComedySportz show on Friday night.  We were supposed to play together last night as well.  He never showed up at the theater.  I am shocked and sad.  Although I have mentioned ComedySportz (CSZ) a few times on my blog , I have never really talked about the impact it has had on my life in just one short year.  Roger and I stumbled upon CSZ through a Richmond Mom fundraiser.  We were invited by Kate Hall to participate as "guest performers" in November 2011.  We had such a good time with the two-day event, we decided to audition for the major league troupe last January.   I had no idea that we would make it into the troupe.  We really went to the auditions on a lark. ...

The year is waning and yet everything seems to be ramping up, doesn't it? We always try to pack so much into a few weeks out of the year.  Sometimes I have to remember to slow down. This weekend, Roger and I had an opportunity for a road trip to Tiffin, Ohio. Never heard of it, you say? It's a small town in Northern Ohio, home to two private universities and a community of some amazing individuals.  Because of some of Roger's music connections, CJSTUF was selected as the beneficiary of Tiffin University's annual Holiday Concert at the Ritz Theater .  Roger also had a chance to perform as the "special guest" with the Jazz Vocal ensemble, singing, "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year".  ( Editor's note: he rocked!) Hey! Who's that famous author in the coffee shop ? During our visit, we had a chance to meet many people. We had a book signing at a local coffee shop on Saturday with front row seats for the Christmas Parade!  Eve...

This has been a heck of a week.  Lots of craziness ensued with the anticipation and aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, the monster storm/perfect storm/weather event that could not be stopped.  Schedules have been disrupted, property has been damaged, and lives have been changed.  The recovery begins. My Mountains In between the madness, I took a scheduled trip to Boone, NC.  The primary purpose was a guest lecture opportunity at my former alma mater, Appalachian State University .  One of my former professors is teaching a class on syndromes and wanted some assistance with the autism portion of the class.  When I agreed to do this back in June, I had no idea what this weekend would have in store.  Originally, the weekend was going to be a road trip with my mom.  Friday morning, she woke up with a head cold.  Given the potential for nasty weather as well as my mom's intolerance for cold, we thought it best for me to make the trip on my own....

Well it's my birthday too!  Not quite, but soon! Okay, with apologies to the Beatles, my birthday is approaching. I am not telling you this because I want presents or lavish parties.  In fact, I would prefer to not make my birthday a big deal.  It's not a significant year and, quite frankly, I have plenty of physical reminders that I am getting older.    I do have a few wishes, though. If you would like to give something in honor of my birthday, please consider making a donation in my honor to Autism Speaks .  Our school is participating in the upcoming walk on September 29th and I would like your help and support.  Autism Speaks does a lot to help families managing the difficult diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder with research, advocacy, and family support.  You can follow this link to make a donation. Take the $5 you would spend on a beer or a card for me and give it to them.  If you have even more money to burn , you c...

I am finally sitting down to write a blog after almost three weeks of absence.  It's not like I didn't have things to say. The word "blog" has been on my to-do list every since we returned from Boone .   It just didn't happen.   Every time I would set out to write, something else would get in the way.  I was busy in my new job , which has involved some long hours and hectic days of late. I was busy keeping things updated with CJSTUF , getting preparations going for our various fundraisers, including the upcoming Art Auction this October.  I was rehearsing (or playing) at ComedySportz .   I did happen to find enough time to write a piece for Richmond Mom about the latest news at Chick-fil-A .  That seemed to light a fire in the discussion boards.   Oh, and somewhere in all of this I was trying to find moments to relax.  At times like this, I realize that the amounts of time and energy at my disposal are finite and pr...