I See What You Meme

I was sitting in a doctor's office waiting room a few weeks ago. While I waited, another patient came out into the reception area to make her next appointment. The receptionist offered a few dates, including one on a Saturday. The woman (I have no idea who she was; let's call her Maude) originally said yes to the Saturday date. Then the following conversation ensued:  Maude: Wait! Is that Mother's Day weekend?  Receptionist: Hmm. You know what? I'm not sure. When is Mother's Day?  Maude: You don't know?  Receptionist: (nervous laugh) Well, I guess I should know this.... Maude: Are you a mother?  Receptionist: No.  Maude: But...you have a mother, right? You should know these things!  At this point, I was incensed with "Maude". This woman knew nothing about the receptionist. She could have recently lost a child. She could have been struggling with infertility. She could have had a mother who recently died. Or she could have a strained or just very compli...

It's 2020. It's almost Christmas. We're still in the middle of a pandemic. In fact, we are experiencing what appears to be an incredible surge that is exerting tremendous pressure on our healthcare and social service system. The headlines are clear: we're not done with this madness and December 31, 2020 will not magically be the "end of it".  Earlier in the year, our family thought about whether we might be able to travel at this time. We thought that maybe the curve would be flat enough that we could take a few days away from home during the Christmas holidays. We realized that the pandemic would still be happening, but with the right protections and with prolific mask usage, we could get a much-needed change of scenery. During what is now (clearly) a delusional thought process, we booked a stay in Gatlinburg, Tennessee for the week of December 19th. Spoiler alert: we canceled the trip almost two weeks ago.  Canceling this trip was not a tragedy. In fact, I ...

As I spend my 2nd Mother's Day without my mother and my 10th Mother's Day without my One of my favorite multi-generational pics of me, my mom, and Charlotte.  first-born, I'm probably more reflective than usual. I blame the burgeoning pandemic . I'm still struggling with survivor guilt and an irrational, imaginary pressure to be more productive than I should be in a time of stress. I try to balance managing the influx of information for both my mental health and my need to be well-informed. I'm managing a new household with kids learning from home, replacing rehearsals and school with online tutoring, drum lessons, and playdates; none of which, by the way, are adequate substitutions for the real thing.  I'm trying to embrace the new opportunity for more restful weekends (much needed) with my desire to still do as much as I can to be a force for good. I'm reminded of one of my favorite quotes by E.B. White:  "I arise in the morning torn between a...

It's been seven years since Charlotte died. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday. The time between early November and the end of January harbors some of the most intense memories from that time in late 2009 and early 2010 when we ran out of medical options and watched her die. On top of that, January 20 marks the date when she was first diagnosed (a year before). It's no wonder that this time of year is hard for our family, emotionally.  Roger calls it "the bus" .  That feeling of grief settles on his chest like a great weight and it stays there. Sometimes it's there for a few days but often it takes up residence for weeks at a time. There's no moving the bus. You just have to let it park for a while.  This guy. Some days he drives me crazy. Without him, I certainly would be. One of the challenges in handling a collective grief is that nobody mourns the same way. The timetable is different. The intensity can be...

Here we are in the middle of Christmas, headed for New Year's and Epiphany! When last I left you , we were just easing in to the holiday season, on the heels of the signing of much official adoption paperwork.  The process continues. The judge has the papers.  We should be official about 2 months (or so).  Overall, it has been a relatively easy Christmas. After five  years of grief and dread , it's nice to have a healthy distraction in the form of a tiny person's holiday joy. All of those activities--visiting Santa, singing carols, looking at the lights, preparing presents for others--when seen through the perspective of a child can have a way of softening the blow a bit.  The sadness has been there in fits and starts, but it definitely feels different. These months between November and January are always a bit reflective anyway.   Of course, while it is the season for holiday celebrations, it is also the time of mass binge watching of movies and other...

It's that time of year again. The holidays are approaching. How could you avoid the onslaught? I can't believe they actually started the Christmas marketing before  Halloween this year.  But I digress. This isn't really about the holiday season.  (Well, maybe it is. A little.)  What it's really about is that time in November 2009 when we learned that we could no longer fight Charlotte's cancer . That time we had to fully understand that word. Terminal.  For the last five years, that period from November to the end of January has been a blur of avoidance, melancholy, and sadness. We haven't put up a Christmas tree since that pink one that graced our living room until almost April 2010. Only last year did I finally start feeling like "my old self" when it came to the holidays, slowly merging into social celebrations with others without feeling a panic attack coming my way.   Although I can't find it in an old blog post, I know that in ...

We have hit the one month mark with Kiddo officially in our home! Hooray! When I run into people, so many ask, "How are things going?" and most of the time, all I can really say is, "Great!"  I think it is going very well.  Our life is not without its hiccups and bumps.  Some days, the morning or evening routine runs smoother than others. Some days she's sad. Some days, she frustrates us. Some days we have so much fun I can hardly contain myself.   My new Happy Hour includes sassy nail design. So this is what parenting is like (again)!  In some ways, I feel like I never left. I have always worked in jobs involving kids so spending time with Kiddo feels natural as well. Of course, she is different from the kids I work with in the community and she is also different from Charlotte. There are many similarities as well, though. All you need to do is look on Facebook or spend some time chatting with your fellow friends who are parents to realize that we a...

In The Waste Land , TS Eliot pontificates that "April is the cruelest month".  In our world, January seems to fit the bill.   January 22, 2009 Right before her first brain surgery First, there are the obvious anniversaries.  Charlotte died on January 7, 2010.  Her diagnosis day was January 20, 2009. That was the moment in time when our world changed forever.  Today (1/22) marks the day of her first brain surgery.  The path of our lives for the next year was fixed at that point.  Our focus was on Charlotte and little else.  January 2009 shaped our lives in a way that few other moments in history ever can.  Then there is the cumulative effect.   The holidays are hard .  In fact, once November hits, all I can really think about are those final days with our daughter.  The Make-A-Wish trip. The reading vigil. The moments watching her decline and anticipating her passing.  These memories converge with opportunites to ...

As 2013 draws to a close, everyone is focused on wrapping up the year and setting their sights on 2014.  Goals will be set.   Resolutions will be broken .  Lives will be changed one way or the other.  All of this goes without saying. This time of year has been difficult for me since 2009.  In fact, it's only been the last year or so that I approached anything resembling "normalcy" when it comes to acknowledging the holidays.  Just when I started to get my sea legs back, I was struck last year at this time with the sudden death of a good friend.   This year, there is an added wrinkle.  We have spent our Advent season most appropriately, anticipating and preparing not for the arrival of the Christ but for the child or children that UMFS may place with us once we officially open our home on January 13th.  Most of the physical preparations are done.  There are 2 rooms ready (at least generically) for up to 2 children.  The lock...

As we shift out of the last few hours of a long holiday weekend, I'm going to share a few highlights from my hometown vacation.  Where to begin? First, the weather was perfect. While back in RVA they were facing freezing temps, I was happy to leave the house in a light fleece or t-shirt and cropped pants.  Any day you can wake to hear the roaring sound of the ocean from your bedroom window is probably a good day, don't you think?   Second, I was fairly spoiled by my family and friends.  I ate way too much (who didn't this week?) but it was all sooooo good.  My biggest problem (admittedly a first world problem at that) is that my mom doesn't have a coffee pot so we had to forage daily for our cuppa Joe.  Thankfully, there's a 7-Eleven ( Oh thank heaven!)  at the end of the block near my parents' house which forced me into a daily walk routine as well.   I think I might have been the Queen Dork of my high school. I can admit this now....

It's an odd time of year. The seasons are in flux. The days are getting markedly shorter. We have shifted from waking up in the dark to driving home in the dark.  One day, the weather requires jackets and gloves.  The next day, you're wearing shorts and sweating in the sun.  All of this chaos seems to breed instability.  I am all but convinced that is why our collective unconscious uses this time of year to celebrate the dead .   Does that sound morbid?  Halloween in itself is a dichotomy between fanciful fantasy and morbid horror.  It's a day to be someone (or something) we are not. For some, that could be a kitty cat, a princess, or a cartoon character.  For others, it's a zombie or a grotesque monster.  Are we communing with the dead, scaring away the demons, or just playing make believe in an effort to escape that which we fear?  In the Christian tradition, Halloween is followed by All Saints Day. Although technically celebrat...

Here we are at Holy Week.  What a crazy Lenten Season this has been.  There is a new Pope on the block . Although I'm not Catholic, the transition seems to have implications across faiths and around the world and Pope Francis is an interesting guy, to say the least.   Sometimes, you just gotta go for the grilled cheese with fresh tomato and basil.  I gave up french fries and soda for Lent.  It was a good choice because I found myself falling into bad habits with my eating and those are two things that can be vices for me.  I only cheated once.  I really really  wanted a grilled cheese sandwich at this restaurant in Charlottesville and there were no "side substitutes".  Yes, I know I could have just not eaten the fries .  I cheated.  I will say 2 Rosaries and 3 Hail Marys.  Oh yeah. I'm not Catholic. In all seriousness, though, my view on Lenten sacrifice is that whatever habit I choose as my focus, whether it is giving up...

I often feel that February is the longest month.   I realize that in terms of actual  days, it takes up the smallest space on the calendar.  However, February is the last full month of winter. For those of us who live in the land of seasons, it can be dark, cold, wet, and downright gloomy.  The seasonal cheer of Christmas is far behind us.  Valentines day is done.  The season of Lent is upon us, so for Christians, this is a time of sacrifice and reflection.  The days can drag on. It is around this time every year that I feel the itch of spring.  The Earth is feeling it as well.  Our bulbs are inching their way to the surface.  The leaves are making their final free-falls from some of our trees in an effort to make space for new buds and leaves. The stores are filling with Easter baskets, pastel dresses, and (heaven forbid!) bathing suits.  We have days where the temperature barely pushes 45 degrees.  On other days, we are...

Have you heard this question a lot lately? I have.  Three years after losing Charlotte, I still feel like I don't quite handle the holidays well.  Worse, I still don't know how to answer this question.   On the plus side, I am blessed with a great job and had two full weeks (three full weekends!) of vacation time.  I completed a number of projects around the house and managed to work on some pending CJSTUF projects that had been on my to-do list for quite some time.  I had some grown-up playdates (AKA lunch!) with friends.  I was able to sleep in and managed to get in some pleasure reading as well.  Who can complain? On the other hand, I experienced the usual grief flare ups.  It actually started early, thanks to the horrible events in Connecticut .  Learning that any parent has lost their child, regardless of the cause, tends to open my heart up again. The ache returns. It was a rough week leading up to Christmas.  Then Christmas...

The year is waning and yet everything seems to be ramping up, doesn't it? We always try to pack so much into a few weeks out of the year.  Sometimes I have to remember to slow down. This weekend, Roger and I had an opportunity for a road trip to Tiffin, Ohio. Never heard of it, you say? It's a small town in Northern Ohio, home to two private universities and a community of some amazing individuals.  Because of some of Roger's music connections, CJSTUF was selected as the beneficiary of Tiffin University's annual Holiday Concert at the Ritz Theater .  Roger also had a chance to perform as the "special guest" with the Jazz Vocal ensemble, singing, "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year".  ( Editor's note: he rocked!) Hey! Who's that famous author in the coffee shop ? During our visit, we had a chance to meet many people. We had a book signing at a local coffee shop on Saturday with front row seats for the Christmas Parade!  Eve...