I See What You Meme

Science tells us that human memory is faulty . We want to think that we will remember certain moments forever like they are encased in carbonite. In reality, we look back on events and retell our stories to friends and colleagues. The story always shifts a little in the process and by the time we have told the story 1000 times, it has changed. It's not (usually) an outright lie. It's just that our brain betrays us. Even our collective memories of major national events that are witnessed by millions of people can be faulty. One study suggests that up to 40% of people changed certain elements of their remembrances of 9/11 as time passed. Something to seriously consider as our recent national discussions about history have claimed the center stage and we continue to live in "unprecedented" times.  Side note: anybody else yearning for some precedented times again?    Fifteen years ago this week, Charlotte Jennie was born. I recounted a lot of her birth story on this ...

As I sit here writing this, I mark 13 years since I was in labor with Charlotte. I am the mom of a teenager. And yet, I’m not. Every year, Charlotte’s birthday hits me a different way. Every year in the grief process is a little bit different. The arrival of her birthday so close on the heels of the end of the school year frequently triggers thoughts for me about how Charlotte’s peers continue to move forward while she Seriously. Kids these days... remains frozen in time as a four year old. As the school year ends, I see her peers moving on to middle school, attending dances, achieving milestones, and just plain getting older (Puberty! Eek!). It always leaves a twinge of jealousy and sadness in my heart. I try to imagine what she would be like, what her interests would be. Knowing how much she was my “mini-me” as a youngster, I lift up hope that she might have strayed from my junior high life as an awkward, frizzy-haired, coke-bottle-eyeglass-wearing teenager. ...

On Tuesday, we will mark four years since Charlotte died.  For the last three years, I have approached this date with a mixture of dread, anticipation, and honor.  It always feels strange to me.  For the vast majority of parents, there is one major day that we honor for our child on an annual basis.  It is their birthday.  I still find it surreal that I honor my child on the day of her death.  We know what to do in honoring a birth. There is a party with food, friends, family, the bestowing of gifts, and celebration.  How do we honor a death? To cast a dark shadow over the day seems right at the gut level, but then it immediately feels wrong.  When Charlotte died, we didn't mark the day with morbid black. It was a celebration of pink and purple with music, color, and light.   Of course, I remember Charlotte every day. I think of her when I first wake up and she is one of my last thoughts before bed at night.  I see things that remin...

With so much going on this time of year, sometimes it's easy to forget about upcoming days that can send my emotions into a tailspin. Then it hits me in the oddest ways.  I have felt the impending gloom regarding Charlotte's July 9 birthday creeping in slowly and stealthily.  I'm totally fine. And then I'm not.   Losing our daughter would have been challenging regardless of the circumstances but sometimes I think I feel the loss even more profoundly because she almost didn't exist.  I'm not sure how many people know the details of how Charlotte came to find our family.  Don't worry. This isn't some salacious tale of where babies come from .  Our journey to parenthood started with challenges.  Back in 2001, after marriage, grad school, and achieving a sense of stability in our lives, we abandoned the birth control and examined our fertility.  Unfortunately, my body didn't want to cooperate.  By early 2004, I was seeing specialists who del...

It was a lovely birthday week, even if I found it to be a bit exhausting! I was greeted with so many birthday wishes.  I was treated to breakfast in bed by my dear husband, my coworkers decorated my office, and I received messages of love throughout the week on Facebook, via phone, via text, and a few actual birthday cards.  I received $120 in donations for the Autism Speaks walk coming up on the 29th ( you can still donate if you're interested) and I'm hoping that the Lady Godiva Program and Eagle Rare Awards received lots of clicks this week.   Thank you to everyone who made the week special.  I suppose it was inevitable, but thoughts of mortality crept into my consciousness this week.  Of course, I thought of the terrorist attacks in the days leading up to my birthday. It seemed somewhat easier this year to "celebrate" despite the collective grief and remembrance that our country now faces every year at this time.  Maybe it was because we had c...

Well it's my birthday too!  Not quite, but soon! Okay, with apologies to the Beatles, my birthday is approaching. I am not telling you this because I want presents or lavish parties.  In fact, I would prefer to not make my birthday a big deal.  It's not a significant year and, quite frankly, I have plenty of physical reminders that I am getting older.    I do have a few wishes, though. If you would like to give something in honor of my birthday, please consider making a donation in my honor to Autism Speaks .  Our school is participating in the upcoming walk on September 29th and I would like your help and support.  Autism Speaks does a lot to help families managing the difficult diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder with research, advocacy, and family support.  You can follow this link to make a donation. Take the $5 you would spend on a beer or a card for me and give it to them.  If you have even more money to burn , you c...

About a month ago, I invited readers of my blog to submit questions they had for a grieving parent .  I wondered if there were questions that people had always wanted to ask but never quite had the courage to verbalize.  I received some intriguing suggestions.  In forthcoming blog posts, I am going to attempt to answer each question.  It seemed most appropriate to begin this post on Charlotte's 7th birthday.  The pain associated with grief takes many forms.  As I mentioned recently, I often feel the pain ebb and flow like waves on a beach .  There are times in my life, such as near holidays or anniversaries, where the waves seem tsunami sized.  The pain is sharper. I am more sensitive to some of the things that "trigger" my sadness. I'm probably more grumpy and easier to anger as well (apologies to anyone that gets caught in the wake). Sometimes I feel like I might drown.  Once the tsunami subsides, though, life resumes to this plac...

There has been so much activity in the last few months, it has been easy to forget about the dates on the calendar until they sneak up on you.  Between book release events , CJSTUF activities , and my new job , I have had plenty to keep me busy.   At the same time, I feel my heart getting a little heavier every day.  I think it started right before Memorial Day. We were finalizing our vacation plans, looking forward to spending a few days with family at my father in-law's house in Tennessee.  I realized, looking at the calendar, that our vacation would end on July 8.  I would be back to work on July 9: Charlotte's seventh birthday.   Each day since that realization, life has been a little more challenging.  I feel more emotional.  I feel stressed.  Sometimes I wonder if I am feeling more stress about her birthday because of all of the other stressful things in my life right now (work, lack of time, etc.)? Is it challenging just bec...

Like many of you, I will never forget September 11, 2001.   It was my first year working as a school speech therapist and I was only about a week into the school year. We lived about an hour from the Washington, DC area and many of the families at the school worked for the military or the government. The news came in spurts throughout the day but it was only on my drive home that I started to learn the whole story. As I sat in my car, listening to news coverage on NPR, I tried to absorb the weight of the events of the day and it was incredibly overwhelming. I just leaked . As the day waned, I alternately found myself drawn to and wanting to avoid the news. It was just too much and yet, I needed to take it all in.   Did I mention that it was also my birthday? Although I do not know anyone personally who died during the events of the day, we had quite a few friends who were in the vicinity of the Pentagon and the Twin Towers on that day.  Even though we did not feel...

As July 9th has approached on the calendar, I have anticipated it with a mixture of emotions . This is the second birthday that we have celebrated marked without Charlotte's presence. I have to say that, in general, it pretty much just sucks.   Isn't that eloquent? Last year we invited some friends to help commemorate the day. This year, Roger and I decided to go a little more low-key. We became members of the VMFA this year (inspired largely by the wonderful Picasso exhibit) and last night we were able to preview their special exhibition of Faberge eggs, jewelry, and other arts. It was beautiful and I highly recommend the exhibit (here in Richmond through October 2nd).   Moments after her birth Throughout Friday I was flooded with memories. On July 8, 2005, I went to the doctor for my regular OB appointment. Charlotte wasn't due for 2 more weeks but I was HUGE and very much ready. The doctor found my blood pressure to be significantly elevated and decided that i...