I See What You Meme

With so much going on this time of year, sometimes it's easy to forget about upcoming days that can send my emotions into a tailspin. Then it hits me in the oddest ways.  I have felt the impending gloom regarding Charlotte's July 9 birthday creeping in slowly and stealthily.  I'm totally fine. And then I'm not.   Losing our daughter would have been challenging regardless of the circumstances but sometimes I think I feel the loss even more profoundly because she almost didn't exist.  I'm not sure how many people know the details of how Charlotte came to find our family.  Don't worry. This isn't some salacious tale of where babies come from .  Our journey to parenthood started with challenges.  Back in 2001, after marriage, grad school, and achieving a sense of stability in our lives, we abandoned the birth control and examined our fertility.  Unfortunately, my body didn't want to cooperate.  By early 2004, I was seeing specialists who del...

On Monday, I did something incredibly stupid.  Without going into details (they just aren't necessary), a moderate sized box fell on my head.   At the time, I said a few choice words, rubbed my head, took some ibuprofen, and moved on.  By Tuesday, I had a nice little bruise and some tenderness but nothing else in the way of symptoms.  On Tuesday night, the headaches started.  I wasn't feeling good.  I couldn't sleep.   Roger and I had a conversation. At 1 AM.  Me: (after checking my symptoms on Web MD) I think I might have a concussion. Roger: Well then you need to go the ER. Now.  Me: No I don't. What good would that do? I will just sit there for two hours and then I'll be even more sleep deprived in the morning. Roger: Well just promise me you will go if it gets worse.  Did I mention we had this conversation at 1 AM? The headache kept coming and going through Wednesday. It seemed worse in the evening. I was too busy tryi...

I think almost everyone collects something.    My mother collects angels. Roger collects banks. My brother collects unusual percussion instruments from all over the world.  I have friends that collect items as varied as Disney memorabilia, teapots, shoes, Superman collectibles, and rare coins.   I used to collect pigs. The fascination with pigs started sometime in elementary school. I can't remember whether I was in fourth or fifth grade. I do remember that it all started with a "pig week" at school, sponsored by our media center. There were events throughout the week around pigs in literature. Somewhere along the line, I decided that I liked pigs because they were adorable, unique, intelligent, and incredibly misunderstood. Hmmm...has anyone done a study on the connection between the characteristics of a person's chosen totem and their personality?  Most of what remains of the pig collection Anyway, as the years went on, I acquired all kinds of pig-re...

Now that Halloween is over, it seems that the end of the year holidays are clamoring for attention. Our stores were filled with Christmas paraphernalia before the Halloween candy and costumes even managed to walk off the shelves.  Everyone complains about it but it doesn't seem to change the mind of marketers. It only seems to spur them on.  I've been ambivalent about the holiday marketing onslaught for years. It seems that the focus for these holidays moves a little bit more towards conspicuous consumption and away from the true Reason for the Season. For almost 10 years, Roger and I have been gradually paring down our holiday gift giving. Our "gift" to friends and family has been a donation to a worthy organization in lieu of presents, sometimes accompanied by a symbolic token representing the organization. The first year, we donated to Habitat for Humanity and made simple but artsy pictures frames out of hardware materials (washers,bolts, and nails).  Another year...

As July 9th has approached on the calendar, I have anticipated it with a mixture of emotions . This is the second birthday that we have celebrated marked without Charlotte's presence. I have to say that, in general, it pretty much just sucks.   Isn't that eloquent? Last year we invited some friends to help commemorate the day. This year, Roger and I decided to go a little more low-key. We became members of the VMFA this year (inspired largely by the wonderful Picasso exhibit) and last night we were able to preview their special exhibition of Faberge eggs, jewelry, and other arts. It was beautiful and I highly recommend the exhibit (here in Richmond through October 2nd).   Moments after her birth Throughout Friday I was flooded with memories. On July 8, 2005, I went to the doctor for my regular OB appointment. Charlotte wasn't due for 2 more weeks but I was HUGE and very much ready. The doctor found my blood pressure to be significantly elevated and decided that i...

I meant to blog yesterday. I tried. It wasn't for lack of material but lack of...energy?  will?  drive?  All of the above? I blame it on the calendar.  I was doing ok for a while and now July 9th looms large on the horizon.  These days, grief comes and goes. I've actually gotten to a point where the day-to-day is pretty tolerable .  But it's the holidays that get you . They're the real challenge. The storm clouds started brewing over the weekend and seem to have come to rest over the house. At the moment, it all just seems to be sitting there. Waiting. It's like a big weight sitting on my shoulders. It's exhausting. I came home last night intending to answer emails and write reports and blog and exercise and fold laundry. I did none of that. I sat on the couch reading a book and watching TV . The only benefit of the passage of time is that you have some experience to help you gauge your feelings. It really is all relative.  We'll talk about...

Now that we've had a few posts to settle in with one another, let's get personal, shall we?   It's almost an understatement to say that this has been a difficult year.  The last few weeks, especially, brought back a flood of memories.  This time last year, we were in the home stretch .   We were watching our daughter die.  I have spent the weeks since Thanksgiving thinking of our final days with her.  I miss her terribly.  I miss her laugh and her smile and her stories.  I cry a lot.   This is going to sound funny but I don't cry the way I used too.  In the past, if I got upset, you would KNOW that I was upset.  Now, it just kind of leaks out.  I'll be sitting somewhere: waiting in line at the store, working, driving in my car....and the tears just start to flow.  I don't even necessarily "break down" and sob.  I just leak.   Anything can trigger the leak.  Usually it's a memory of Charlot...