It's been a while since I used the blog to share my thoughts. What started as some random musings turned into much more than a Facebook post. I started writing this over a week ago but it's taken a minute to actually hit the publish button. Thanks for your patience. Welcome back.
It has been a week (or two). One of those weeks where everything happens all at once. A week where things need to happen in a particular order or everything‘s going to go to shit. A week where you just seem to go from one thing to the next thing and you’ll figure out what’s going to happen next as it goes along. A week full of work and family and rest and sleeplessness and it never feels like there’s enough time for anything. But somehow it all works out.
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| A plaque on the library walk in NYC |
My week started with a trip for work to NYC. It coincided
with my birthday. Because of that, I had all kinds of feelings all week about
life in general. The week ended with a trip to Florida that, unfortunately,
included a family funeral. It was another opportunity to be thoughtful and
melancholic. To feel all the feelings. A time with family to laugh and to cry.
We collectively mourned the loss of a human taken way too soon from this world.
Many hearts are broken and it just hurts so much.
In the days surrounding the memorial event, the words of Ecclesiastes that were
included in our wedding have been floating around in my head. I loathe the
sentiment that everything happens for a reason.
At the same time, I am comforted by those words: to everything, there is
a season. Everything is temporary: both the good and the bad.
Over the last 15 years, I have heard so many people say to me, “I don’t know how you do it." When they say that, I know that what they are often referring to is managing the losses I have experienced in my life. I will be the first to admit that I have carried my share of sadness. If I concentrate on those losses, I am heartbroken. But I often think about all the other things that have happened in my life. The good things. Some of which may not have even happened without the bad. Is that balance in the universe or just my perspective seeing it as so? There is a time to every purpose under heaven.
When I think about all the challenges I have faced in life,
I don’t see it as an accomplishment. I don't like being held up as some poster
child for how to "manage grief". But I do find strength in my
resilience. If my life can serve as an example to others, to provide strength
or comfort, then that is a good thing. I struggle with living life one day at a
time. I always have. The older I get, I realize it’s all we can do.
The hymn It is Well With My Soul held a prominent place in the memorial service for Chloe. A few years ago, I learned about the origin of the song. Horatio Spafford wrote the poem after surviving a life filled with loss. He lost his business and only son in the Great Chicago Fire. Only two years later, his wife and four daughters were involved in a shipwreck. Spafford had intended to cross the ocean with his family but changed his plans at the last minute. His wife survived but all his other children perished in the disaster. Understanding the pain that comes with grief, it would have been easy for Spafford to be angry, hopeless, and absolutely wrecked by his grief. He chose instead to honor the life of his children through his continued survival. Finding peace in tragedy is what the poem is all about.
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well, with my soul
Thanks for giving me this space to express my thoughts.