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Just Me and Trigger

It's strange how songs that aren't even directly associated with your loved ones can bring up triggers.  I was driving to work yesterday and really felt this pull to listen to an Eddie from Ohio song.  Well, actually, it's a Lyle Lovett song but I love the EFO cover. I wish I could find an EFO version on You Tube but this will have to do.

First of all, If I Had a Boat is just a great song. It's catchy with a great hook. It's what songwriting is supposed to be. 

Anyway, by the end of the tune, I was sobbing.  It took me a little while to figure out why. I never really listened to it with Charlotte. It's not about a little girl or a butterfly or a kid who dies. Those would be obvious triggers, wouldn't they?

If you have ever listened to the live EFO cover (on the Portable EFO Show, just in case you're curious), Robbie Schaefer shares that the origin of this song is about a conversation with a kid. Lyle asked him what he wanted more than anything else. And the kid said, "A boat. And a pony."  And the rest is history.  

So when I listen to this song, it always reflects the innocence of childhood. Sometimes it's hard to think about how that innocence can be taken away on so many levels.  I thought about how Charlotte's innocence was destroyed. How her childhood was taken away from her. I also think about how our innocence as parents was also destroyed. Sometimes you just feel like there's a huge pot of "That's Not Fair" brewing on your stove.  I think about that a lot when I'm in my "angry phase" of grief.  Then I thought about Kiddo and how her early experiences have shattered her childhood in so many ways. She is healing and I love that we can give her a sense of comfort and stability, but it's all just so wrong.  Kids should be able to be kids as long as they possibly can.  

I also think about the Thestrals in Harry Potter. Those were the mythical beasts towing the carriages at Hogwarts that could only be seen by those who had experienced tragedy and grief.  It really is true. Grief allows you (forces you) to see things differently.  

We are often forced to face down our worst fears. The most resilient face the dragons head on, but they still rely on friends and family for comfort, security, and assistance.  

Sometimes our grief just gives us perspective. Sometimes it's triggered in the most unlikely of ways.

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