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Bah, Humbug!

I don't have Christmas spirit this year. It's not surprising, given everything that has been going on in our world. Things have been off kilter ever since my mom's diagnosis with multiple health issues in October and has reached a fever pitch over the last few weeks. For more details, you can check out my mom's CaringBridge journal

As time has inched closer to Christmas, I find myself less and less interested in the holiday this year. We had already decided not to put up a tree because we thought we would be traveling to Florida on Christmas day. All those plans have come to a screeching halt. I was going to do some decorating with smaller items (stockings and wreaths, etc.) but my time has been swallowed up by phone calls with doctors, counselors, family members, and friends. Not to mention four visits to the ER and about eight visits from police officers to our house over the last few weeks. 

I realized on Wednesday just how bad it was when I went to a requisite holiday party for a
board I serve on. All of the small talk questions revolved around, "Are you ready for Christmas?" or "Excited about the holidays?" and I couldn't say yes to any of those questions. 

This time of year, from early November to mid-January, has been difficult for about seven years. My grief journey has gone through many phases since 2009. I was just starting to get my groove back and feel human again. I was actually starting to enjoy some holiday traditions again, such as decorating the house, attending social gatherings, and going to church regularly.  It's just not happening this year. 

Usually by this point, I've got everyone's gifts purchased and some have been mailed. The house would have been decorated and the nativity scene out. We don't send Christmas cards but I've usually taken care of all the teacher presents and little goodies for Kiddo's friends. None of that has really happened this year. (Kiddo's gifts are covered, by the way. She's not going to miss out!)

Here's the thing: I may not have the cookies baked or the house decorated or the presents wrapped. But I have an amazing family and a wonderful cohort of friends surrounding us in love. Everyone is doing the best that they can. The holidays are going to be different this year and that's ok. To anyone who is struggling to feel the "holiday spirit", know that you are not alone and that however you decide to celebrate (or not) is all right. Some years, we just feel more like Scrooge than Bob Cratchit. 

Apparently this year is one of them for me. 

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