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The First Moment

December 1st is one of those days for me. I don't know if all mothers mark this day, but for me it is one that I will never forget. This was the day in 2004 when I realized I was pregnant.


This was not an easy journey. We had been trying to get pregnant for over three years. Many medical tests, fertility treatments, and months of disappointment later, we had essentially given up. The doctors had said that without major medical intervention (i.e. in vitro or use of an egg donor), we would probably not get pregnant. 


I wasn't ready for that battle. My body was tired. I was emotionally tired. We didn't have the money and I didn't feel like I could handle the emotional ups and downs of an in vitro process.  In early 2004, we decided that our best option was to pursue adoption. Roger and I enrolled in foster/adoption classes with a local agency and we had started what we thought was our journey to parenthood.  I put away the pregnancy tests and we started talking about home studies and domestic vs foreign adoption.  


Because of the way my crazy female body works, my doctor had put me on hormones to regulate my cycle. I had previously been on birth control but that now seemed ridiculously superfluous.  I needed to take these drugs every two months if I didn't have a period. So, before beginning my round of drugs, I needed to take a pregnancy test. 


Early on the morning of December 1st, I awoke for work as usual. I stumbled off to the bathroom and set about peeing on that stick. I had done this dozens of times, never receiving a positive result.  I was just getting ready to throw the test in the trash when I saw it. The plus sign.  I was in shock.


I went to tell Roger. He was in the other bathroom, also trying his best to wake up for the day. 
Me: "Um, Roger? Can you come out here?" 
Roger: "I'm kind of busy. I'll be out in a moment."
Me: "Um...ok." (I wait 5 seconds) "Can you hurry?"
Roger: (clearly annoyed) "Just. A. Minute."


I showed him the test. He said, "Do it again!"


We didn't have a spare test in the house so I sent him out, to Wal-Mart of all places, for a pregnancy test.  In my defense, it was the only place in Ashland open at 6:30 in the morning.


I set off for work but I took the test again during my mid-day break. Still positive. 
POSITIVE!!!
Photo by Joe Marinaro
I was cautiously optimistic, knowing that it still must be early. Coming off of the Thanksgiving break, I now understood why I had been so tired. I had chalked the fatigue up to holiday travel, overindulgence, and too much work. I also now understood why my boobs had been hurting for over a week.  Yes, in retrospect it seemed pretty obvious.


At that point, I still didn't know anything about that little bean that would become my Charlotte. She was a peapod, a speck. I didn't know her personality, her charm, or even her gender. 


But that was the day that she entered my heart. That was the day that she found a place in my life.  It is a day that I will never forget.   

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