Religo-Phobia?

It's Easter Sunday. For many, it is a day of rejoicing. It is, most certainly, one of the most important and Holiest of days in the Christian calendar.

I cannot celebrate.

Holidays are difficult enough at this point in my life but this week has hit me particularly hard.  First, there was the license plate mess.  On the surface, it seemed a trivial matter but the sentimental value of that plate made the loss more substantial in my mind. 

Abbie celebrating her birthday last year at Romp n' Roll

Yesterday, we felt a loss that cuts to a much deeper level. Cancer warrior Abbie Waters, a brave girl who just turned 9 this week, lost her battle with Rhabdomyosarcoma.  In our cancer journey, we have met many families. We have had the opportunity to know not only the boys and girls battling disease but their parents as well. Abbie now becomes the 5th child that I have known personally who has died way too soon.  

There is no question that you feel a loss when a person in your family, one you have known intimately, is gone from your life. I have found, however, that this grief is not restricted by blood lines or familiarity. Every time another child is lost, the scabs are picked fresh and the wounds re-open. The pain I feel for these families is real and genuinely heartbreaking. I feel it again today. Forget the leaking. We're experiencing a tidal flood.  

In between these two events, I went to church on Maundy Thursday. Roger and I made our way to the other side of the river where he sings as a section leader at Westover Hills Methodist Church. It's a lovely congregation with a lovely pastor and a small but devoted group of believers. As usual, when I come to visit I am automatically drafted into the choir. They seem to like sight-readers who can carry a tune. Things were actually going pretty well until the service got underway. Then, it was like a psychological stress reaction. I didn't have a panic attack but those emotions...all those reasons why I have become a Chreaster... they all came flooding back. I'm sure the liturgy, revolving around the crucifixion and death of Jesus, probably didn't help. I held most of it in until the end of the service (yeah, I leaked but I could blame it on allergies) and the floodgates opened when I made it to the car. 

Easter 2008: Standing where her butterfly bush now grows.

Time should heal all wounds but I think that for the moment, it is getting harder (not easier) to take communion and be a part of that community of believers. I have what can only be likened to a phobic emotional reaction to the religious ritual. It's unnerving and disturbing and sad but (big sigh) this is where I am right now on the "journey". This is where the process currently has taken hold.  

Admittedly, there are all kinds of factors at play. Trying to "be happy" and social around others when your insides are screaming...trust me: nobody likes a sad-sack at church.  Trying to participate in rituals that were previously shared with those no longer present...feeling loss in a season of Joy. It's just too much for me right now. After my latest attempt at organized worship, I made the decision to not even be a Chreaster today. I appreciate all of the invitations to attend church. I appreciate all of the sympathy and empathy pouring forth from friends and family today. I just didn't need to expend the emotional energy. 

God and I had coffee in the backyard today and it was the  spiritual food I needed.